The #1 Reason Why We Want More And More (And More)
The #1 Reason Why We Want More And More (And More)
The #1 thing that holds people back from having a smoothe-as-honey lifestyle, where you can just get up, feel great, and connect with other people in meaningful ways, is
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(Drum roll)
Not being grateful.
You can have all the money and achievements in the world. But, if you are grateful for nothing, its like no matter what you make or do, life simply will not get any better. Its like everything falls into the black hole of things we take for granted.
This is one of the reasons why we end up striving for more in our lives. More friends, more money, more status. Because how can you ever have enough if you dont appreciate what you have?
And you know what?
I think thats a deep shame. Especially because most of us (in the Western world) should be grateful for our lives in a way thats almost apologetic.
And yes, we get used to things so easily. We take our luxuries for granted. We take the streets we walk on for granted. And at times, we even take our spouses love for granted.
Psychologists call this concept hedonic adaptation and its a bitch if ever there was one.
And you know whats the saddest part? (and after this Ill stop preaching)
In getting used to the wonderful things in our lives, we are falsely assuming they will last.
Newsflash: they wont.
Nothing will.
So Seph, whats the solution?
Im glad you asked.
The most powerful way Ive found to overcome the danger of getting used to things is to be actively grateful for them.
So I hereby invite you to lift the veil that is clouding the wonders life has in store for you, every day again, by expressing your gratitude.
By saying to someone: Thank you so much for doing [x], it means the world to me.
By jotting down 3-5 things youre grateful for before you go to sleep.
By looking your kids deeply into their eyes and knowing that the moment will not last forever and letting that knowledge transform into a mindfulness that allows you to be fully present with them.
Because so many of us positive psychology practitioners KNOW how powerful meditation, gratitude and self-compassion are, but so few of us are actually practicing as we preach.
So lets change that.
Right here.
Right now.
If you are with me, simply write down 3 things you are grateful for today.
[take a minute]
Done?
Great.
Its gratitude month on our blog and Courtney and Joaquin have already kicked it off with two great new pieces that I highly recommend you to give a read:
and
I hope you will enjoy these and our upcoming pieces on gratitude this month.
Like Tal Ben-Shahar said:
When you appreciate the good, the good appreciates.
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And with that quote, Ill leave you, for now.
In love and gratitude,
Seph
Wanting v. Having : 5 Ways to Embrace Desire
If you need this reminder IRL, print is in the shop here!
Materialism exists because we get excited about something, want to own it, get it, grow used to it (or even feel let down by it immediately after acquiring it), and then strive again for the wanting high by identifying a new thing to covet. The cycle can be endless, and even if youre aware of it, it can be tough to break because wanting something (and striving to make it yours) just feels so darn good sometimes.
The problem is we often dont pay attention to where in that cycle of want-get-have-want that we actually feel good. Yes, getting a thing youve longed for can feel good to obtain momentarily, but frequently it doesnt feel as good as the actual desiring of it did. And we often (if not always!) return to our previous mental state after weve gotten used to possessing whatever it is we once wanted (see: hedonic treadmill).
Often this happens because the way we think about something we want is different from how we feel about it when we own it. Just think about the last time you got a new . The anticipation of it, with its fresh screen and new features, was thrilling. And the first few days with it might have been exciting, too. But now, even if you use and enjoy it a lot, its likely just something you own.
The notion that more stuff wont bring you more happiness isnt anything new (and the rise in the minimalism trend keeps bringing it to the forefront in popular culture). Most of us know this (and some of us even put that idea into to practice by resisting the temptation to buy more and more things in pursuit of that short-lived high!), but we often dont focus on how this wanting vs. having idea applies to non-tangible things were in pursuit of, things like love, status, wealth, success, etc.
If youre in pursuit of anything at all, whether it be personal or professional, tangible or intangible, you, too, must face the fact that sometimes (and, in fact, often), the wanting of something is more enjoyable than the possession of it. Even if we experience this again and again we find a great love, we get the job we desperately wanted, we achieve the goal weve worked on for years and yet still feel the need to desire something new or better or more important its hard not to keep pursuing more and more.
The problem is, if were always chasing after the next thing, were rarely (if ever) content with where we are now, which makes it pretty difficult to live positively in the present. But how are we to counteract the desire for desire when its built into our societies, when were expected to constantly be seeking? Here are few ways we can embrace the ever-present desire to want what we dont yet have.
FOCUS ON EXPERIENCE, NOT POSSESSION
Youve certainly heard this before: buy experiences, not things. But this concept need not apply only to material goods. It also applies to the intangible desires so many of us have. Experiencing something, whatever it might be, is often much more valuable than possessing it is. For example, rather than focusing the possession of a person (labeling a new romance, needing reassurance that a partner is yours, or feeling an ownership over your offspring), what if we focused more on the experiences we have with that individual? Doing so will actually strengthen our bonds or, in some cases, help us to realize that perhaps that isnt a person with whom we want to be closely bonded. Or, lets consider the pursuit of greater career opportunity. What if we focused on the experience of working toward it and valued that more than the actual achievement of a new title? Or, once a new title has been granted, what if we spent more time valuing the experience of a new, higher position rather than considering how we might use it to pursue even more status or wealth? Choosing to focus on experiences rather than possessions (tangible or otherwise) is likely to lead to more contentment.
LET GO OF WHAT YOU DONT GET
It can be hard to realize sometimes when youre in a state of wanting, but the thing you want comes with baggage you cannot understand until you possess it. In the words of Benjamin Franklin, If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles. (Or, in the words of The Notorious B.I.G., mo money, mo problems.) Whatever it is you want is going to come with a set of issues that you cant anticipate now. You dont know what you dont know, and sometimes youre often better off not acquiring the things you think you want. I know the everything happens for a reason idea is cliche, but I believe in it. You cant foresee what will happen in the future, and Ive found that not getting what I want has been a blessing in many cases (and getting what I want has rarely lived up to its hype). If you dont get it, it means its not meant for you. (Or its not meant for you right now. Things meant for you have a way of coming when you need them, not necessarily when you want them.)
APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DO HAVE
If youre familiar with Positively Present, its going to be no surprise to see gratitude probably one of the most used bits of advice here in this round-up of tips, but making an effort to recognize and appreciate what you do have (particularly what you once longed for and then obtained) is one of the best ways to counteract the challenging notion of always wanting something else. Things only bring us joy when were aware of them, which is why we take so much pleasure from wanting. When we want something, were hyper-focused on it, sometimes consumed by thoughts what life will be like if we have it. Once weve had it for awhile, we dont often spend as much time thinking about it. When you find yourself thinking, I want consider challenging it with the thought, I have
SEEK OUT THE ROOT OF THE WANTING
How much of what you want is what you actually want and how much is someone elses idea of what you should want? Its hard to know for sure after all, were all products of the cultures and environments in which we are raised and it can be hard to separate our true desires from what weve been taught but the more you pay attention to the real reasons for what you want, the more you dig down into the roots of that desire, the more likely you are to realize that what you want is actually based on what you think youre supposed to want. Looking at why you desire what you do (and, just as importantly, what you think will happen if you obtain that thing) will often help you realize that your wants are often rooted in foundations not put in place by you.
VALUE CONTENTMENT OVER HAPPINESS
The pursuit of happiness is part of the US Declaration of Independence and, as result, many people here and around the world have come to associate the pursuit of happiness with living life to the fullest. Happiness has been held up as the ultimate goal, something all people should be striving for in whatever way feels right for them. Weve come to understand that, while happiness doesnt look the same for everyone, everyone wants to be happy. But, as Ive discussed many times before, happiness is a fleeting emotion. Its wonderful, but it doesnt last. Making it your lifes goal is setting yourself up for constant disappointment (which often leads to pursuit of the next thing that you think will make you happy). The pursuit of happiness is great for capitalism, but not so great for contentment. Instead of focusing being happy, try striving for contentment. Aim to make the most of whats happening now, to accept whats been and look forward to what will be without setting expectations.
When youre in a state of wanting, it can be difficult to realize this, but its true: whatever you think you need to be happy money, fame, love, acceptance, beauty, attention, success, diamonds, children, a house, etc. wont actually make you happier than you are now, at least not for very long. Realizing this doesnt mean you shouldnt keep pursuing what you want (for what is life if not pursuit?); it only means that you should stop expecting that the having will be greater than the wanting. It means understanding that, even though it seems strange, wanting something can be fulfilling in itself, and not getting what you want doesnt have to mean failure. And, most importantly, it means that, cheesy as it may sound, youll be able to realize that it is, in fact, a journey towards something has just as much value (if not more!) than the thing itself.
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